Sharing My Skittles: On grieving deeply, and loving beyond that.

"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

Almost four years ago I sat on my couch dumbfounded as a Facebook post unintentionally notified me that someone I had lived with and loved with had stepped into the arms of Jesus.

I love Ashley still, it's not past tense, and grieving her absence has been a process that teaches me more about myself by the day. Almost four years have passed, and I say openly that the most difficult phase of the process thus far has been a moment last August, when I watched a video of Joey, Ashley's former husband, and the father of her child, marry again.

Today is Abigail's (Joey's wife) birthday, and in an effort to express myself, I'm writing to her, and to you, if you're someone who has lost a loved one, lost heart, or simply need to remember that all that stands before us is greater than anything we leave behind...


Dear Abigail,

Happy Birthday!

I wish you could understand just how much your life has impacted mine, though as of right now, we have never been in the same room.
You know who I am, and maybe you know something of the grief I've experienced, but you should also know you've helped me overcome it.

You are so loved. Joey is so blessed, but, so are you.
The daughter you love was nurtured and cherished beneath a heart you never knew, but I wish you had. Oh, how I wish you had. Had you known Ashley, you would have known a person who startled the daylights out of people  um...me, every day when she came home from work because she let the door slam loudly in an effort to get her arms around me more quickly. You would have met a girl who enthusiastically greeted life, and hugged so tightly she almost took you down in the process. You would have known a girl who squeezed the toothpaste from the middle *sigh*, woke up singing, and had a fierce loyalty for her people. I have no doubt this girl I wish you'd been able to meet would have offered her life for me, or you, unless of course it was a spider who threatened it...in that case, it would have been every girl for herself.

You would have met a girl who liked only the red skittles. I agreed with her. We always told one another "I love you a million red skittles." The reds are the best skittles, so they are the only ones that can be used in an expression of love :).

Here's where I get to what I came here to say:

Your life taught me something. It's this: When people go to be with Jesus, no one can ever take their place, but love is never to be thwarted by death. Indeed, Jesus himself taught us that death was defeated, conquered, and shamed by love. Grief is no joke. It's real, it's human, and it's necessary when life death happens, even Jesus grieved, but... Grieving like Jesus doesn't give anyone an excuse to stop loving like Him, right?

Thank you for offering me a chance to put my money where my mouth is, to love beyond the shattered terrain of my grief, and to remember that nothing is worth turning your back on the opportunity to pour out the vastness of His love on another person.

I will ever be willing to share my red skittles with you, and I say without reservation that I love you a million red skittles, not just because that's what Jesus (and Ashley) would want, but because, I promise, it's absolutely true.

Happy Birthday, darling. There are far, far better things ahead.

A million red skittles, always,

Courtney