Not Anymore

I'm becoming convinced that all people have moments where the deepest parts of who they are (or thought they were) are shaken. The people who don't have these moments, if they really do exist, are few, and very, very far between.
For years I spent my life with the desire, and yes, even the understanding, that right out of college I would marry and have a ton of children. Yes, children from all over the world, adopted and chosen because that's what they deserve. You're probably cringing. If you love me, you're probably wondering if I've lost my marbles, and if I'm about to tell you I no longer desire to be a wife, or a parent. But, is that what I'm going to say? Absolutely not.

I've spent over a decade of my life mentoring girls, and the first three, who were 8th graders when I went to college, have experienced marriage, and two have children. When they married, I thought I was behind, I thought I had fallen off of some wagon, that the chance had passed for me. My heart rejoiced for them, but admittedly, I wondered what I had done wrong. These were girls who I loved deeply, in fact, I ate my lunch in the bathroom sometimes in order to talk to them about issues that were, sometimes, yes, almost matters of life and death.
To one, I hoped to offer deep affection, and the knowledge that she was loved.
To the second, the understanding that she was capable of deciding for herself, and that she deserved a good decision.
To the third, a sense that settling was not good enough for her, and that she should move boldly in the direction of the better, and the best.
These girls will read this, and most likely, they will not be able to determine which hope I had for which one of them, because I did, indeed, hope all three things for all three girls.
All three changed me, and all three embarked on marriage before I will...I rejoiced, but again, I also grieved.
Then I got here, I got here and I started law school, for the orphans I had long yearned to fight for, and I began investing in different girls, law students. Of my initial seven girls, two will be married by the time school starts again, and very few of my dearest friends still count themselves among the single...but...do I still feel as though I missed the bus? The answer, which may surprise you, is "Not anymore."

One of my best friends in all the world is Sara, she's just shy of one year older than me, and she's been married for nine years. She has a four year old whom I would offer my life for, and by Christmas we will have welcomed a second little life into our hearts, and our arms. Sara and I have walked through so much together, but while she married, bought a house, endured a miscarriage, and gave birth to a daughter, I continued my education, mentored with all of my heart, served as chaplain, and enjoyed travel, and experiences some people never get. We walked through so many of the same things, with the major exception being marriage. For years Sara heard me grieve about where my life was not...and for years, I blamed that "lack" on a flaw within myself...or outside, like the way I walked.

Let me tell you, whoever you are, that what I believed, about myself, and about why I wasn't somewhere else, was a lie. I thank God for those three 8th grade girls, who may have no idea how much my love for them, and their trust in me, changed my perspective, and grew my heart.
Now, I'm sitting in my apartment surrounded by books and outlines, 29 days from the biggest exam of my life, praying with everything I have that God Himself will help me retain enough of this stuff to give those orphans a voice. I'm thanking God for those three girls who ate lunch with me, who grieved when I left for college, for the one who ran up on the graduation stage to throw her arms around my neck and tell me she loved me, for that teenager whose actions are the only thing I really remember about that night I graduated from high school. She's no longer a teen, she's grown, and doing fabulous, raising a beautiful daughter of her own, but she changed me, as did the girls who were sitting on either side of her that night.

I am grateful for them everytime a college student weeps on my couch, and I have the honor of listening.
See, right now, that's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be somewhere else yet...I'm doing what I should be, continuing the journey I started with three teens I loved.
I started the journey with them, and because of them, I began to think I wasn't moving fast enough...that I needed to speed up...marry...have children ASAP, but, it is also because of them, and those who have blessed my life afterward that I can say I used to feel that way...but not anymore.

Now I'm 100% focused on fighting for people like those girls, people who need an ear, a pep talk, a few minutes of time. Some of those I fight for have wonderful lives, but some of them don't, and I'm blessed to defend them...with all of my heart. My time as a wife and parent will come, and when it does, I will rejoice with the deepest joy imaginable...but...right now my joy is of a different sort.
I used to think I missed something, I used to think I was behind, that I couldn't catch up, but now I look at what I've been able to do and see, and the lives that have touched mine, or that, perhaps, my life has touched, and I realize that I used to think I'd missed something wonderful, but not anymore.

Psalm 100:4
With Praise and Thanksgiving,
Courtney