The addition of light

"If I am sure of anything, I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities. I doubt whether there is anything in me that pleases Him less.
~C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves


On June 1st, I began my time as a legal intern. My first thought as I sat behind my desk in the small office in an Austin suburb was "At last, at last I'll begin a journey to remedy something, to do something good in this world." WRONG indeed.
Don't lose me, I'm not implying, by any means, that lawyers cannot make a difference, but I have been surprised at all I am learning about what that looks like.
All of my life I've looked around and thought I was doing very little for anyone. My physical stature, my past, my everything, instilled in me a thought that I had very little to give.
It's quite true that most of my gifts do not involve making things with my hands, or doing tangible things. Most of my gifts reside in my ability, not to DO anything, but to BE me. I can listen, I can love, I can speak.
Society tells us "Knowledge is Power", but I'm finding that's not always as true as we'd like it to be. Allow me to explain?

As an intern, I'm privy to a great many details, introduced to many clients, and present in many courtrooms. For the summer, I see the other side of the secret, the confidential side of the law, the no holds barred, behind closed doors, "this is it" sort of law. I'm finding that truth to be a bit shattering. The law is on its face, a very positive thing, but it's also very finite. Going into this internship I was prepared to have tools needed to fix what was broken, and granted, it happens sometimes, that the law can fix what broke. With my new knowledge, I thought perhaps I'd have more opportunity to change the world. New knowledge might afford me a bigger platform, but it doesn't change the fact that this world is fallen and shattered, as are the people in it.

The law is a gift given to us, but, it is only finite, and as such, we as legal professionals and professionals in training must work with what we are given. This truth leaves me articulating my greatest lesson so far as an intern: Sometimes, even under the law, we possess no remedy to help a person.
Sometimes it's very true that nothing can be done, and what is broken, stays broken. The reason for this? The only REAL remedy is the Most High God.

Lawyers, in general, are a pretentious bunch. Most people think we're crooked, snobby, wealthy, and cut throat, and well, a lot of us are. However, I can be honest and say that after about 3 weeks of exposure to this profession, the last few days have been so brutal I can hardly breathe. The things I know about what we are unable to do under the law, and the things people get away with, just shatter my heart.

I've gone in and out of the large southern court house and watched inmates come in and out, some judges more compassionate, some less. I've watched people scowl, cry, and some even laugh in a court of law, I've seen a teenager pop her gum and say "yeah" to a judge, and I've seen a prosecutor interrupt him. I've risen for the "all rise" quite a number of times, and it gives me goosebumps still.
When we suit up and go to the courthouse, I sometimes feel like a small child who wants to shut the world out by plugging her ears. It's like being blessed that someone trusted you enough to tell you a secret, and then they tell you, and you wish you didn't know so much. It's like believing at some point you'll have every tool needed to fix what is broken, and you build, build, build, and realize you're one nail short of completion, and you can do no more.

Often, over the last few weeks, I've wondered truthfully why I was doing this. Why in the world was I working so hard, when often, I am really doing nothing more than I did without the work? I wanted to stop, really, I did, I was ready to go back to VA, finish law school, and never, never, never, practice law.
However, I know a few things about myself and one is that one of my greatest gifts is the ability to get back up and keep fighting. Paul wrote "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race."
It occurred to me acutely that satan is dead set on disrupting my fight, which is, more accurately, God's fight.

I can't say resolutely that I love every minute of this, and I can honestly say sometimes I dislike it, too. I understand what Paul meant about the good fight thing, it really is a fight, it is, and it causes ache, and exhaustion on a level some people will never experience. I've written several letters recently to people who love me outside of what I am doing now, and I find myself realizing that all of this work has nothing to do with the difference I've made for THEM. The difference my life makes has very little to do with my occupation, and quite a bit more to do with my willingness. God uses people who are willing, and willing to obey.

God and I were talking today, and I decided I wanted to name a child I adopt "Joseph Luke." Joseph is the name Rachel gave her first son, in Hebrew it means "God will Add" or "God will increase", and Luke wrote the third of the gospels, he was a physician, and his name means "Light." "God will add light."
That is what I have been asking Him to do for days. Days. For days I have wondered why it seems so many do so much, and I feel as though, or think, that I have done so little. The Lord spoke to me and told me that He knows everything, and He is good, He is goodness itself, and He is moving.

When I lack understanding, or when I yearn for it, I ask. When He answers, I find that "God will add light", but only enough so that my finite mind doesn't explode at the knowledge, or my mortal body does not explode at the glorious sight.
Whatever happens here is minute compared to the weight of glory waiting for us, and whether we understand it all one day, or we don't is not what matters.

What matters is that we, like Jacob (who later became Israel) understand that sometimes, the blessing comes in that which we do not fully understand anyway. Jacob wrestled with the Most High, and came away with a limp which forever reminded him of that encounter with the God of all. Few people would consider a limp a blessing, I have one, and I don't like it, but get this, how many people do you know who had GOD ALMIGHTY tangibly touch them with a hand like the ones which type this? I can think of very few, and I would be willing to bet Jacob praised God for such intimacy. No, people, I'm not saying I'm glad I walk a little funny, what I am saying is that because I do, I understand some things are beyond my understanding, and I like it that way.

He has given us the peace that passes all understanding, and despite the brutality of this legal work, or the past which prepared me for it, I believe in a God who knows all things, and who is, above all things, good. I also know that if it had not been exactly as it was, I would've been deprived of so many rich blessings which a "perfect childhood" (there is nothing of the sort anyway) would never have afforded me. If I had to trade some of the people who have loved me deeply for a perfect set of legs, and a better past, I wouldn't do it. The trade I received is exponentially more beautiful than what I have done without. Thank you Jesus, and all of those beloved people. You know exactly who you are.
I believe when we need it, "God will add light", and when He does, I want my eyes to be ready for all they are able to see.

These words, and all that is behind them, are dedicated to the"Joseph Lukes" of the world...may God grant you not only light, but a home in which to see it.

May you all be blessed by the addition of light,
Court