"Full and Flowing Over"

For Bo.
Happy New Year all!

My heart has had an interesting time getting itself prepared for what would be, and what is. Recently I dealt with some immense heart break in a reality that is, by God's grace, no longer mine. The struggle and pain I experienced are not for a blog to know, and if I'm being honest, it's not for very many people to know. All I can say is that God keeps His people, and in the midst of heartache and brokeness, He holds His own.
Last night I was speaking to someone I love very much, and he reminded me that God allows good results for his people. I was concerned about something, and he said very quickly "Don't stress about that, you'll destroy it." It occurred to me very quickly that the only thing God wants to destroy in our lives are the things He did not put there, and the things which hinder us from what He DID put there.
After my conversation with him, I smiled and thought of a C.S. Lewis work, "The Screwtape Letters." In it, an upper level demon, screwtape, is speaking to his nephew, a lower level demon named wormwood. In explaining the difference between God and satan he tells Wormwood that "We (the demons) are empty and would be filled, He is full and flows over. We want cattle who finally become food, He wants servants who finally become sons."
God does not see us as a number, another one just like the last, no, He wants to call us to very specific servanthood.
My first semester of law school proved brutal for more than one reason, and my GPA was not my favorite either, but, I am still here for a second one, and sadly, I know of people who are not.
For what reason, I can't say, but I can say that my specific servanthood involves changing the lives of orphans and raising them for the glory of God. In that calling, I daresay no one will ask my GPA, and if they do, I will answer honestly, whatever it may be.
My whole life I've had an incredibly bad tendency to attach way too much worth to my grades, and to believe that if they were small, I was too, but in the laughing comment of someone I love, I realized once again that God seeks to destroy only that which causes hindrance, He never seeks destruction FOR US, and in the most heart breaking places, He will uphold us, always, so that we come out in one piece proclaiming things like "My name is Courtney, and His name is Jesus." Really, the only part necessary is the "His name is Jesus."
He called me to this, and I do not want to be a lawyer with an air of conceit who places her nose in the air and proclaims "I am a lawyer!" I want to be the person who bows her knee to the ground and proclaims "I am HIS servant."
Tonight, I went shopping for groceries with a friend, and as we returned, I ran over the yogurt with the Hot Tamale (My motorized scooter) and had to throw some of it away. My first thought was "How will I ever be a wife, a mother, a fully independent individual, if I'm running over yogurt, and I can't even do this stuff by myself?" Immediately I was reminded of the comment "You will destroy it!" It came full circle, and I realized I would do all of those things and more, because God himself would destroy the barriers, I would simply do my part as a faithful steward of my everything.
So, the girl with a covenant ring on her finger, the girl with big dreams and small stature, the girl who runs over yogurt, also attended four classes today, and by the grace of God completed 1 semester of law school.
One day, instead of running over yogurt with the hot tamale, I will be running, just running without it.
Satan would have us believe that we are worthless, that we are animals without names, shadows without faces, that we are empty with some voracious need to be filled, but this is not so. No matter who you are, He is God, and in His sight, you are worthy and precious. You are not cattle with no name, but an individual called to be a servant and a daughter or a son...that's what He wants.
If you are thirsty, drink, and if you are tempted to be empty, remember, HE is full and flows over.

Over the brim,