"The day You heard my plea, You looked right through me, You saw the pit I was in, You came and pulled me out. You set my feet upon a rock and put a new song in my mouth, then You called me Your own, I'm never turning back. I love my Master, I will not go free, I take Your name and live in liberty. My life is Yours forever and I'll serve You faithfully. I love my Master, I will not go free."
"My Master"~Christy Nockels
Today, something wonderful occurred in my life, and I will never be the same again. December always begins on a victorious note for me, and this December is no exception. December is the month of my birth, the month my victory began, and I forever remember that as brisk turns to breathless cold and I remember with greater passion, the One who destined me for victory. Today as the world welcomed the month of December, every student in the law school heralded the final day of regulation classes. As some of my classmates stand on completely steady ground (or so it seems) I sat in Property today calculating Legal Writing scores, unsure of where I might gather points to secure a passing grade. Legal Writing feels better to me now, but in the beginning, it really broke my heart. Never have I felt I would really fail at something academic, until this class. Ironically, many compliment my ability to write, ha.
Today, though, I realized something in greater measure than I had before. God is a God of hope, He loves us SO incredibly that He allowed His only Son to die for the sake of our lives. When I say "our lives" I don't mean existence, I mean our liberation, our breathless days, the privilege to yearn for grace, to drink it like necessary water, and to thrive upon it. In this thriving, He instituted a calling upon every life, and my calling includes going to law school. So, I realized, that I could look at the situation one of two ways: 1) based on what I know 2) based on what I don't know. If I look at it the first way, I realize once and for all that God called me to this, and if I know that, I also know that He will provide what I need to get me through everything I've ever encountered (or will ever) encounter. God is bigger than Legal Writing, He saved the world via the willingness of a teenage virgin who gave birth to a sinless baby among donkeys and cows. If I knew everything, if all things came to me at the snap of a finger, I would not see miracles, and that's just sad.
If I choose to look at what I do not know, I can stress myself to the max like I did in Property today. I WAS listening to the professor, and yes, I can tell you what we talked about, but I broke a rule I've endeavored to follow for years...I failed to realize in that moment that God knows everything, that He has never left me without, and that He will provide everything that I need, regardless of what that looks like. Today, this honors student found herself asking the Most High God just to allow her a passing grade. While I've never been one to say simply "good enough" is good enough...I realize that some days in law school will leave me yearning for good enough rather than perfect, or stellar.
When I look at it that way, I wonder why I haven't simply been yearning for "good enough" all along. That's not to say that I'm downplaying one's best, I am not, by any means. I simply mean that to the Lord, our absolute diligence and faithfulness is all He requires, not perfection, just our best under the circumstances.
I really enjoy law school, it's something that, for the most part, comes very naturally me, except for perhaps Legal Writing and Contracts. However, today I realized that in my frantic addition trying to figure out if I would pass a class based on guesses of what grades I might make, I was shackling myself to an idol called "performance".
I've done it before, I won't lie, I'm an overachiever, and that comes from many places, but, that doesn't bring glory to God at all. In fact, He has a commandment against such things...I believe idols of the mind are just as detrimental as those which were carved by the Israelites and the other people of the day. No person who loves me would ever love me less for doing less than perfect at something, and even if they chose to, that's not love, and the Most High alone is my audience. So, I decided not to be anxious anymore, or at least to try my best, since I believe the Lord knows, and I believe He is most gracious. He will guide me, regardless of what may occur, He has done much greater than allow a young woman who loves Him fervently to pass a class.
I gave up my anxiety for a new set of shackles, I laid this at the feet of Christ, and I got ready to march...boldly into the direction of my calling, one which means a fight for orphan children of the world, children that He loves more than I ever could.
I shackled myself to Him in this situation, as I did with my life at the age of three, and it's amazing how much liberty that brought me. Now, pass or fail, I do not feel measured by a letter, but by a King.
It's amazing how being a slave to Christ can liberate a person more completely than anything on earth.
Happy December, Everyone!
Liberty, and Life Abundant,
Courtney
4 comments:
Happy Bday month for you my friend! Everyone has at least one class they are not sure about :)
Love you, and enjoyed reading your post.
Hannah C
Great post. Encouraging. Keep everything in perspective these next few weeks. Do what you can do... and then leave it all on the table. Walk away and don't fret about it over Christmas break. You've done all you can do and let the chips fall where they may.
God's grace abounds still. No need to worry, for it won't add another day to this life, nor will it add ANYTHING to this life; worrying only takes away from life.
I know you'll do great at your finals. Keep your chin up and your eyes fixed on the goal. We are almost done with our first semester of law school!!! :)
P.S. It's Christine F.
Christine, that was going to be my next question..."um...sorry, but, who are you?" My blog was initially private, but Nathalie (who suggested I do it) somehow couldn't see it...so it's not private anymore...ha.
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