When I get to where I'm going...

My former college roommate and sister Ashley died this summer. Wow, that sentence was a punch in the gut. On May 11th, Ashley traded sorrows for joy, and though I know that's true, I miss her.
This weekend I spent my days in Michigan, the state Ashley called home for most of her life.
Over the weekend I found myself surrounded by people who knew and loved her too, but, the truth is, my journey was all our own. No one else had the same conversations with her that I did, the same relationship with her that I did, nothing was the same for anyone else, and it won't be.
Being in Michigan was therapeutic, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt.
We were talking last night about how it used to drive me nuts that Ashley never capped the toothpaste or that she squeezed it from the middle, but this morning when I brushed my teeth, I left the cap off, probably subconsciously on purpose, and then laughed as I screwed it back on.
There are things one just doesn't forget, and I hope I don't ever forget those, but, at the same time, being in Michigan reminded me to love Ashley as Ashley and not as a memory. Going back in my mind to all the things that made me laugh about her *how she used to wear my clothes, the joy she had when she chose her wedding dress and shoes before my eyes, the times she plowed me over while hugging me* I realized that this made things bearable when I thought about her.
Her mother was there. I saw her mother. This, for some reason, greatly comforted my heart.
I love her.
The weekend was raw, but people knew I went, no secret about what I did, but...
There's only one picture from my trip that I won't share with many people. The shot I took of Ashley's headstone. I took it because it's pretty, and because something transformed in me as I stood before that piece of granite. My heart healed in a way it hadn't before, and I can't explain it. I talked to her...I did, like she was sitting on the couch with me.
I stood there for awhile and then fell apart a bit. When I composed myself I said "Alright, I love you, I'll see you when I get to where I'm going."
In that moment, I won't lie to you, I wanted to dig in the dirt, dig, dig, dig, so I could look at her face, it was the most surreal experience to stand in front of a granite slab bearing the name of someone I so dearly love...it made me weep, but I stopped as soon as realized that everything she always was, she ever will be.
I have no idea where we are in any of my classes, I'm very tired in heart and body, but I'm here, praise the Lord, and grateful for it.
We walked back to the car, and though I was composed, I promptly proceeded to spill a portion of my Butter Bear (a yummy local coffee drink, and I don't DRINK COFFEE) on my shirt. I could almost hear her laughing at me. I laughed too.

Focus on where you're going...
Romans 8:18
You'll laugh when you spill coffee on your shirt if you remember you've got somewhere else to go. See ya later, Ash!
Dochas... *You're not supposed to understand*,
Court